I pulled an old paper journal off the shelf
In it, I discovered the reason why we journal (those of us who do). I found entries that described dreams I had forgotten about. I discovered large gaps in time. My last entry in this particular volume was in 2018, before my brother passed. I had started it in 2011, before I retired, and in the initial entries, I dedicated it to discovering myself.
"Every time I have an interaction with another person, it contributes to my cumulative concept of myself.
"Did my behavior in that interaction live up to that concept? Or did it reveal something about me that will alter that concept?" May 29, 2011
From a timeline perspective, this would be the end of the month of my first half marathon. I was clearly (from the writings) working on the food side of the health equation, working on abstinence from overeating / binge eating. I talked of living in accordance with one's values to achieve inner peace.
I labeled these as my values:
- kindness
- tolerance
- intelligence
- health
- preparedness
- planning
Then I added a couple that I marked as one I felt I "ought" to value, but that my behavior was not supporting
- organization
- order
I'm not sure why I put these down, but I labeled them as "Primary"
- independence
- Not being a burden
Another couple unlabeled:
- safety
- comfort
The next few entries reminded me this was between my son's two deployments. As I flipped through the pages, I noted entries related to my older sister's breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, so now I have that placed in my memory timeline between the deployments. It is interesting to me how memory and association of memories encapsulate my sense of time passing. I am turning into my grandmother.
My sister-in-law was diagnosed with ALS came that same year, later. The last "regular" entry was Christmas eve 2012. Then the big gaps began. On Christmas eve I recorded the news that my son told me via IM that he'd been award a combat action badge, rare for service members with his MOS (military occupational specialty). It implies that he was involved in a firefight (several months prior) and performed satisfactorily in accordance with the rules of engagement. After that entry, I went silent until the following April.
Each entry following a "gap" I tried to play catch-up. During the gap between Christmas eve, 2012 and April 2, 2013, that sister-in-law passed away, my son came home from deployment, and he and his first wife were in process of buying the home he still lives in now.
I only continued entries through April that year and stopped after the Boston Marathon bombing. The next gap lasted until April 2017... a four-year gap!
Interesting, a time-travel through the paper journal. I didn't do a very good job filling in that gap. The four years would have included my brother's passing, my son's divorce, the pandemic, and meeting and marrying my current daughter in law. It would include their deciding to apply to be foster parents and the arrival of their first "respite" visits.
I have now started writing a few of my recent "odd" dreams in it. We shall see whether it becomes an active paper journal again!
Life is still good. Keep on Sparking!
Maybe sometimes it's better to have those moments in your head than on paper where you can reread your angst/anxiety/sadness or whatever. Paper and pen don't soften the blow; our minds and time do.
ReplyDeleteThere is research, too, related to how the brain responds differently to handwriting, compared to typing. Writing something out long hand is processed differently from something typed in a blog. But there are some thoughts/feelings that you don't commit either place, instead letting them decant before commemorating them.
DeleteI am sure that was some interesting reading. My journals were destroyed in a fit of 'I don't want my daughters to read them' moment. I am sorry in a way that I did that because I am sure like you there are things I would like to notice once more. I am glad that I found this entry after doing a bit of a search. I hope the reading list gets fixed soon but until it does I will keep hunting. Have a lovely weekend my friend.
ReplyDeleteI hope that reading list gets fixed soon, too. Hunting, hunting... guess this is how we find out who the dedicated hunters are?
DeleteOn the original topic, I also shredded some of my older journals after I had been going through my mom's when she passed. It was more of an exercise of "I'm past that phase, and no longer need this in my world", but it was also the creepiness I felt in reading my mother's most private thoughts. Educational, but kind of felt like I was invading her privacy. I suppose once we're gone we won't care?
Have a lovely weekend, and a good week ahead! Happy Victoria Day (coming up, isn't it?)
I can only imagine that DS revealing his combat action award sent a chill up the spine. I know DS was awarded the Purple Heart and he told us about that maybe 6 mths. after the fact. Kids – they don’t know we still think of them as our little kids even as adults and worry about them!
ReplyDeleteThat is so sad your SIL went thru ALS. Such an utterly devastating disease.
LOTS of news under the bridge w/Kevin’s passing, your DS’s divorce, of course the pandemic, and your DS’s marriage to his dear wife. Of course, then the arrival of FGC. (I hope things are progressing forward there!)
Here’s to good things moving forward!
hugs and blessings
barb
1cd
One thing being old-er teaches us is the knowledge that "it came to pass". We survive the storms, whatever form they come in, and move on. I've been thinking about this a lot recently, about how throughout all of history, people still managed to survive. They survived no matter what was going on around them: wars, and famines, floods and plagues. I'm sure it was not "fun" living through those things.
DeleteOld family letters reveal WWI events and the Spanish flu, as experienced by my paternal grandparents. Old family photos and stories told by my maternal grandfather late in his life, and things my mom would tell us as we grew up, tell the tale of how members of my own family lived through the depression and WWII.
I personally remember the "duck and cover" drills of the Cuban Missile crisis and the Cold War. And as you and I both know, we survived the trauma that our sons went through wearing a uniform. Big things that are global and little things that are personal all impact us. Somehow the writing about it might give the next generation insight.
Yes, things are progressing. I rejoice at the progress I see in FGC, and I look forward to the upcoming "two dog" week while they take a road trip as a family!
Oh my gosh, I have my Grandfather's letters from WWI, too, and they are a treasure. I remember those duck and cover drills, too. Even @ that age, I thought to myself that sitting under a desk is going to do nothing to protect us! And for sure, surviving all kinds of things life DO teach us that things come and things pass. We always come out on the other side stronger, and smarter!
ReplyDeletebarb
1cd
Amen to that! Survival teaches lessons!
DeleteI still keep a spiral notebook in my trailer as I feel “the need to scribble” on occasion. (Like last weekend where there was No Internet!)
ReplyDeleteI’m mad at myself for destroying old handwritten journals of mine after Ex snooped & shamed me. Who knows, I may erase my digital memories before my son finds ‘em (not that he’d want to read my meandering thoughts anyway)
((Val))
It's a fine line, the balance between wanting to delete old journals or preserve them. I really have no regrets over the ones that I destroyed. But I also have no regrets over having been able to read my mother's handwritten journals. I felt a little like I was invading her privacy, but it did help me understand her better.
Delete