My sister calls these surprise lilies. It's an apt name, because I never remember they are coming, and then one day in August I stepped onto my deck and there they were: "Pop!"
In Barb's life: sick last Friday thru this Tuesday. Not Covid (tested negative) but likely a different virus. My cousin mentioned that norovirus was going around her workplace. I have zero contact with said cousin, but the symptoms seem to match: headache, low-grade fever, nausea, and lots and lots of nasal/phlegm discharge. Yuck. Not to gross y'all out or anything.
Feeling more like a human being Tuesday, and even more so Wednesday. Back on limited food Tuesday, regular (but tracked) eating starting Wednesday. Disturbingly, while I canceled the Tuesday workout, the trainer canceled the Thursday one, with queasy stomach... so, maybe something really is going around town.
Sensitive subject alert...
I had not mentioned it here, but I've taken on reading "White Fragility: Why it's so hard for white people to talk about racism" by Robin Diangelo. It was copyright 2018, so relatively recent, but not freshly published. Since I do find it hard to talk about racism, and it had been recommended as a book for self-education, I figured it would be good for me.
Keep in mind, when people go about trying to ban books, it makes me want to read them more, so knowing that this one was on some people's lists of that nature certainly fed in to my decision to purchase it. It's a "pause and think" read for me. It's also a "I am not sure I want to admit to my white friends that I'm reading this because I don't want them climbing down my throat" (due to the banned book thing). I will admit it and share it with my sisters, and we'll discuss, but how comfortable will those who read my blog be with it? I sometimes hide the book when service people come to my home!
Still, I am making my way through it. I'm over halfway through it, even with think time between chapters (and sometimes paragraphs).
What am I seeing? A lot of things I had gradually become aware of over the decades... those are easy. Some explanations of reactions from others to words or actions, which were eye-opening. I'm an almost 70 year old white woman. I think the first black person I met was a little girl close to my age in a Sunday school visit, and I was fascinated and curious. It never occurred to me that her life experience would be different from mine. I mean, we wore similar clothes, and read from the same religious texts!
I grew up during the civil rights movement. As a four year old, the neighborhood teenagers dressed me up as a (stereotypical, I might add) colored child to ride on a wagon in the kids day parade. It won first prize, with its civil rights message. Later on I felt proud of my small part. After all, it proved that my people were "on the right side" of the issue, didn't it? I couldn't be a bad person. My mother put the photo in my "baby book". Of course at the time I had no clue (that segregation was an issue... I didn't even know what that was). I knew full well why I couldn't go to school... I wasn't old enough in our town.
My high school boasted a single black family, I think. We voted one of their sons class president (he was a State Champion wrestler). Over the years I discovered not everyone had the same experience with people as I did. I acquired mixed race niece and nephew by marriage. They were innocent children when I first met them, and I got to see how different their life experience was. Even so, it was a long time before I understood their mother's reaction to some statements my husband made. I was also puzzled by my mother in law's actions toward her daughter, who conceived and bore these children.
Moving back to the book, I got to chapters that asked me to examine how being white has impacted my life. I had to slow down and think. There is a lot of meat to examine.
How is this impacting my on-line life? Let me hark back to my "summer obsession" which is in reality a social experiment: The Big Brother house. This year the house was filled with a diverse cast, and I watched what I was reading about in action on the live feeds. Some very difficult conversations have been held, many of which I have difficulty holding with people I know in real life, of any race, including my own.
I've always used the show / feeds this way. In season one I was fascinated just to listen to the life stories of people I might never meet in real life. In season two, I enjoyed the strategy and the growing relationships. Year by year, as the game evolved, so did the slices from my real life experience that I folded in.
Some seasons have been hard to watch. The tendency of people to align with people they can identify with is natural. Some years I found myself actively "rooting" for people that others considered the bad guy. Other years I found myself seeing myself reflected in behavior that other fans found abhorrent. I hope that over time I have learned and adapted my own behavior. Such things are good IF they teach us and we grow into better people because of it.
Since the cast is almost always people in their 20's and 30's, it is a window into how social values are changing. Because there is a financial gain to be had, it highlights the tension between wanting to win and wanting to hold to one's moral standards, as well as showing how those standards may be generationally changing.
No one can do our growing and learning for us. It is an internal process. But if we never converse about such issues, if we run away and hide from them, we will never get to a place of peace. So, I'm opening the door, a crack. I'm fessing up to where I am in this journey. I'm hesitant... will my friends who read this blog be comfortable with that? Do we want to talk about such things? Or will we retreat back to our corners and talk only about flowers and weather and recipes, because that's all we are comfortable sharing?
The thing I most hope for is maintaining the respect we show for one another, wherever we happen to sit on the spectrum of attitudes, of learning and of personal growth. I've seen so much of that erode in the political realm, and especially on social media.
Pep talk takeaway:
The important thing as Spark refugee folks is to remember that dealing with difficult subjects is stressful, and it's important to take care of ourselves as we do... the old pep talks to hydrate, be active, get our balanced nutrition and rest apply especially to stressful periods in our life, whether because of lived experience or exposure through the TV or through books!
Life is good. Spark on!
Wow! If only there weren't so many miles that divide us. What I wouldn't give to have the opportunity to have long, intelligent conversations with you. With that being said:
ReplyDeleteHave you watched "Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man" that's hosted by Emmanuel Acho. IMHO, he is remarkable. You can find his episodes on YouTube. His first episode can be found here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8jUA7JBkF4
My second teaching degree is Language Arts 5-9. Banned books is a subject that leads me to a rant. Much of the time, they are caused to be banned by those who don't read in the first place. Ugh!!
The 25 years my DH spent in the Navy allowed us to be part of a very diverse community. I suppose the racism and partisanship was always there, it's just that now it's sadly overt. We met and were friends with so many lovely people of all races and ethnicities. I now wonder how many times I made offensive comments and was too ignorant to realize it.
For me, I welcome these types of conversations. Eating out with wise people and having Intelligent conversations was what I missed most during the lock down.
Good luck with your journey of personal growth. Thanks for inviting us to make part of that journey with you. Keep the Spark alive!!
Amen about missing deep conversations over issues of the day during the pandemic! I would love to share a cuppa and some time, and the sharing of life experience. It takes a certain level of open-mindedness, overcoming defensiveness, and recognizing that as humans we are all flawed.
DeleteMy first banned book was Orwell's 1984, by the way. The school board in Topeka, Kansas was debating banning it, and my parents were discussing a letter my dad had got from a friend of his in that town. They were discussing whether it should indeed be banned in schools for children (of about my age). Being not shy at that age, I said, "I read it. I don't see anything wrong with it."
Shocked parents asked where I had got the book. "On your shelf, upstairs," I replied. "Did you understand it all?" (That was my mom.) "Well, not all of it, but I just skimmed over those parts." (Sex scenes... I was clueless back then.)
Spark on, my friend, in more ways than one!
I applaud you for coming forward with such a touchy subject. Back in the Spark days I would hold my tongue on many subjects, but some times I would just have to vent it. I grew up in a diverse neighborhood and the minority were the whites. Everyone treated everyone the same and that's how I've always been. I've never felt racism until a few years ago with the anger that has happened in our country. I still find myself biting my tongue, but as a POC you learn to do that at an early age.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being open enough to comment! One thought that came to me recently about why white folks are so "fragile" (not from the book, from my own mind)... is that we never got sat down by our parents and had the "facts" of living explained to us, the way that parents of a child of color seem to have to give to their children. My sister in law had to give it to hers... i.e. how to survive living while black! My brother and my husband and my son never had that talk, and needed to learn sensitivity in other ways.
DeleteThe fact that so many are indeed biting tongues can delay the learning. But it can be dangerous to be the first one to speak up, especially if you are not the person in the position of privilege.
In my experience as a woman, I was unaware of how much sexism my fellow women might be going through until I experienced some in my own life. I was in my 30's by then and it was a shock! I find echoes of your not feeling racism until recent years when it became so much more open in our nation. I know it's not the same thing, but it has some similarities. We don't feel it until it happens to us or to someone we care about.
I love you, your family and your blogs. You are so generous in your sharing!
Lovely lillies!
ReplyDeleteSeems quite a few non-Covid infections are winding their way around the schools here. A great-niece, 15, was diagnosed with Covid this week (parents divorced and one supports vaccines and other anti-vax; daughter allowed to make her choice which was to not get the vaccine for Covid).
Through neighborhoods, schools, employment at several places and folks married into the family, I've known a wide diversity of people and found myself reframing some of my memories after watching an online symposium narrated by Oprah shortly after George Floyd's murder that caused many aha's for me.
Oops, not signed on to my gmail. Phoenix1949 here.
DeleteWishing your great-niece a speedy and full recovery (and a light case would be nice, too). Just because Covid's around doesn't mean the other diseases took a break, does it?
DeleteThose a-ha moments seem to reach each of us when we're ready to receive them. Thanks for piping up!
I applaud you for sharing, and have noted the title of the book which I intend to read. I'm White, a few years older than you and have wondered of late, why indeed are Whites so fragile. Certain politicians banning books, changing school curriculum and the way History is taught so that While children are not made to feel bad, exposes just how dangerous revisionism is. You're right, the only way we'll reach a level of peace and civility, is to bring this out in the open and be more inclusive in all things. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you're open to also finding things to read and ways to understand. Yesterday I hit a paragraph that I had to re-read, slowly, about three times, and pause to think. Thanks for commenting.
DeleteSorry you’ve had a sick week! But glad that you’re feeling a little better. Yup. I had the Norovirus after a cruise and I was S-I-C-K. And it definitely going around here, too.
ReplyDeleteOh for sure. First of all – suggesting banning books raises so many red flags I need multiple flag poles to run them up. And yes, it makes me want to read the book(s) to find out exactly what could possibly be so objectionable. Huh, I guess at my age and stage in life, I just do what makes me comfortable and if someone else is uncomfortable, that would be their problem. Good you talk about this w/your sisters. Being that my kids are both Korean adoptees, they experience PLENTY of prejudice and racism. I have to say, I’ve not heard of this book, but have put it on my reading list.
My son’s spouse is black. Crystal is absolutely the most lovely human being! But some of her stories from growing up made my toes curl. **SIGH** When we go out w/my DS and DIL sometimes there are “looks”. But that’s THEIR (the ‘lookers’) issue.
RESPECT for one another – you nailed it!
I can only say, my parents were open to anyone and everyone, so they set the tone. I am thankful for that.
Thanks for a thought provoking blog, Barb.
Barb
1crazydog
Good to hear your perspective, Barb! I knew your kids were adoptees and I think back on Spark I'd seen photos, so I was aware you'd had a different experience as a mom. I am not surprised to hear of the challenges, based on what I saw my niece and nephew go through.
DeleteHaving that kind of experience, you'll be able to bring that lens to bear as you read. I'd be interested in hearing your take when you get to that point, too.
I went to schools with mainly black and hispanic/latino kids, I experienced the opposite, I suppose; we had the token white kid. The assumption was, of course, that the kids’ parents were poor. Befriending him/her most were from recently divorced parents and ending up with the parent who had to start with very little or nothing at all. Sad situation for ANY and ALL kids.
ReplyDeleteEven between my sister (born in the US) and I (born in Mexico) our childhoods were different, I felt my parents’ fear of deportation and the feeling of not belonging, while my sister had feelings of entitlement. We lived very different lives under the same roof!! It’s only now as adults that we can even start these types of conversations. More so now that we are orphans; we feel a need to get to know each other on a deeper level.
(3 weeks til my permanent crown gets installed)
-RunKeeper Dee
Be careful for those 3 weeks, Dee!
DeleteI can see how your experience was very different from mine, with that fear hanging over you. I can also imagine how your sister's feelings might have been complicated as she could have buried fears of abandonment, too, should her parents be deported and she be "left behind".
Very sad for any child who lacks stability in their lives, regardless of their race or ethnicity. Family is a strength, if that family can stick together and is loving.
Stay safe out there! How's the heat and drought situation? We're certainly worse than normal here in the middle!
Definitely eating carefully and biting down gingerly, despite the assurance that the temporary crown will hold up for 3 weeks.
DeleteThe heat has been oppressive, to say the least, the fires aren’t helping either. I’ve been putting packs of blue ice/pea packs down the front and back of my bras and sitting near the fans, since my tiny apartment does not have AC. It was 77° at 5am on my drive to the gymš„µ The worse day is coming on Sunday; I’m gonna buy a giant bag of ice tomorrow, in preparation, since even refrigerated water doesn't feel cold enough.
Hope you stay safe and cool, and hydrated! Big bag of ice sounds like a good idea.
DeleteI hope your cold has improved
ReplyDeleteWonderful and thoughtful blog! I grew up in an areas similar you yours and my experiences were about the same. Years later in college and work I learned some truths that were no aligned to my upbringing.
My staff gave me quite an education when I worked in Philly. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes not. I was a willing learner. Mostly I learned to be responsive to learning what it meant to be brought up much differently than I had been. Opportunity is not an equalizer!
Still learning.
My "bug" whatever it was is better, thank goodness. Education comes with exposure to others, trust, and an open mind, at least in sensitive subject areas. But "whiteness" is a tough area to learn about when you are immersed in it, along with several reinforcing belief systems propping up the structural aspects of privilege. After all, none of us wants to think of ourselves as a villain, and most of us start out just ignorant of the nuances around us!
DeleteAlso still learning.